Can You Still Date Someone Who Became A Friend First
This problem This is a problem for members of serious dating sites: I joined serious dating sites with my best friend looking for a date, but gradually I found myself falling in love with her. I think she probably feels the same way about me. At first, it didn't seem romantic, but as time went on, the energy between us changed. I was wondering: do you think it's a good idea to pursue friends? Do you think this will lead to a good relationship?
The answer to that question As a dating coach for years, I'm a little skeptical of your question. I guess what you want me to say is "yes, you should put your heart and soul into this girl. Your friendship will not stand in the way. "If that's what you want, I'll save you some time now.
But that's not my opinion. I don't think it's wise to pursue your friends romantically. In fact, I think you take a lot of risks and you don't stand much of a chance of getting paid. My advice is, unless you have a strong, unshakable attraction for this friend of yours, sign up for some serious online dating websites, buy some new outfits, and play around. Because there are so many cool people out there.
This is not to say that friends can't be lovers. It will happen. Sometimes, a friendship can lay a good foundation for a really deep relationship. But this is definitely the exception, not the rule. All I can do is tell you why, so you have a better chance of figuring out if your situation is going to be one of those cute outliers.
Let's start by taking a step back. So, in general, the iron law of male/female friendship, assuming that both parties are interested in the opposite sex, is formed because there is a lot of mutual appreciation, but no sexual attraction to drive it. A typical scenario goes like this: you're flirting with a cute girl at a party, the conversation is fun, maybe even profound, but when you go out for a while, without alcohol, you find that there's absolutely no sexual chemistry. About 90% of the time.
Unfortunately, the level of attraction is usually fixed. That said, if someone in your previous life didn't want to make out with you, chances are they don't want to drool on you now. If you reflect on your own personal experience, you may find this to be true. For example, two months ago, you were searching Facebook for someone who had shown no interest in you in return. Are you more interested in her now? Maybe just a little -- maybe she has a better fashion sense now; Perhaps a more impressive career. But your basic attitude may not have changed at all, right?
There are, of course, some rare exceptions. Occasionally, one can climb a few steps up the ladder of attraction. Maybe you will try to completely change your body shape. Or you struggle from being a nerd to being a rich and powerful person. But most of the time, adults are as attractive now as they will be in the future. Personality, which is a huge factor in attractiveness, tends not to change dramatically. Shy people are always shy. Extroverts stay extroverted. Tortured artists, power-hungry maniacs, sports buddies -- they don't tend to be very different people.
But perhaps you noticed your old friend's eyes wandering in your way unaccustomed, and you hugged suddenly longer and more strictly than before, and, suddenly, you both made a lot of excuses to spend time alone together. That's great! I'm so happy for you. But you may still face an uphill battle. Why is that? It's really hard to ask friends out in the right way.
Compare your current situation to a more mundane romantic scenario -- say, a first date. People think that a first date is scary, but actually, it's not that hard because there are so many default social frameworks around them. Everybody knows what's going to happen. You check each other out to see if there's any spark, and most importantly, if everything goes well, you know you might kiss at the end. So, the worst thing is, when you approach her face at night, you see her face. However, you can't just decide to make out with your friends or kiss at random moments, because even in a moment of romantic tension, that's not scripted. If you do, and your friends don't expect it, it's unwelcome, and it could even constitute sexual harassment. Not because it was your intention, but because you may have misunderstood the signals -- we've all been there -- in which case you just started making unwanted physical contact. This is extremely bad.
This means that the best thing you can do is have an extremely awkward conversation. Terrible, I know. You want to say to your female friend, "hey, I know this is weird, maybe out of nowhere, but... As time goes on, I find myself feeling more attracted to you than strictly Platonic, and I wonder if you feel similar. (or you could say the same thing.) She is either pleasantly surprised, cautiously curious, or apologetically repulsed. Either your friendship rises to another level, it's killed, or it somehow survives the awkwardness.
So this is something to keep in mind -- you are likely to be rejected. In fact, your body changes may not be appreciated at all. If so, it is very important to be a gentleman. Don't whine, don't complain, and don't try to change her mind by defending you. Remember: your strong feelings for someone don't change the fact that they don't owe you anything. You have to respect that this is her decision, and you shouldn't expose all of your volcanic emotions and put her in a very stressful situation.
Finally, I just want to say that if you decide to do it despite all my warnings, I sincerely wish you good luck.